The new job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my
first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Excercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000/month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least...

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


THE SAHARA

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little
man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head
lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man
and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,"
said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they
call it now!"


Three wishes


A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge
blue genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return,
I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly
what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right
next to him.

He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.



Worms


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the professor putting
a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about,
happy as a worm in water could be.


The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,
and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his
hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't
get worms."


Don't Step On The Ducks!


Three women die together in an accident and go
to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same
punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular,
and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."


THE FIRE

During an ecumenical gathering someone rushed in and shouted,
"The building is on fire!" Immediately...

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed

The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."

The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!"

The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass

The JEHOVAH' S WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire

The MORMONS ran late-night TV commercials for free videos of the fire

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there
was not a fire

The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint
a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to
the voting assembly.


OH NO!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy.
Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you
need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He
rushes out to her, asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.

She told me that HER mom died too!!"


Diner

A guy comes into a diner and places his order. He says: "I want
three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen
and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does
he think, this is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a
pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards
is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then
she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the
flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!


De Frog and De Snake

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an' he done run
outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snak
wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs,
so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real
careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him
roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and
wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But
Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's
gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a
moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to
fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin funny tappin' on his
barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was

........wit' two more frogs.


The Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT
when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!" "And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the
amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?"
asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?


In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He was
immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary
permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist
order for the Earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the
officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would
there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
He was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would
turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness
"night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herbs and bear much
seed." The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting
life; and the fowl that may fly over the Earth." Officials pointed out
this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated
with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the
project in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to
review the application and impact statement. After that there would
be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval
period before .....

At that point, God created hell.


The missing dot..........

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing'
one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Navy.


3 blonds

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing
before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the
Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a
big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast
with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the
Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a
very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll
away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow,
we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.