The new job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my
first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Excercise

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000/month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now
she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least...

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.


THE SAHARA

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little
man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head
lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man
and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,"
said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take
your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they
call it now!"


Three wishes


A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge
blue genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return,
I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly
what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account."
Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues. "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right
next to him.

He goes on. "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.



Worms


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that
involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, observe closely the worms," said the professor putting
a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about,
happy as a worm in water could be.


The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully,
and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.


"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the
professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his
hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't
get worms."


Don't Step On The Ducks!


Three women die together in an accident and go
to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't
step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and
sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and
although they try their best to avoid them, the first
woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes
St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same
punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages
to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome
man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular,
and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together
without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve
being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says,
"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."


THE FIRE

During an ecumenical gathering someone rushed in and shouted,
"The building is on fire!" Immediately...

The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed

The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the water?"

The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessing that fire brings

The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil

The ROMAN CATHOLICS passed a collection plate

The EPISCOPALIANS formed a procession and marched out

The CONGREGATIONALISTS shouted, "Every man for himself...."

The FUNDAMENTALISTS shouted. "It's the vengeance of God!"

The JEWS posted symbols on the door hoping that the fire would pass

The JEHOVAH' S WITNESSES passed out literature about the fire

The MORMONS ran late-night TV commercials for free videos of the fire

The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves that there
was not a fire

The SCIENTOLOGISTS charged admission to the fire, and

The PRESBYTERIANS appointed a chairperson who was to appoint
a committee to look into the matter and make a written report to
the voting assembly.


OH NO!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her
boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone
call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the young girl.
"Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy.
Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need
to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you
need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He
rushes out to her, asking,

"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"

"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.

She told me that HER mom died too!!"


Diner

A guy comes into a diner and places his order. He says: "I want
three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen
and says to the cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does
he think, this is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a
pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards
is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. The waitress thinks about this and then
she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the
flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up!


De Frog and De Snake

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an' he done run
outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snak
wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs,
so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real
careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him
roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and
wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But
Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his
bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's
gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a
moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat
snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to
fishin'. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin funny tappin' on his
barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water moccasin was

........wit' two more frogs.


The Nuns

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT
when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!" "And Is THAT when you swore?" asks the
amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?"
asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the putt, didn't you?


In the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He was
immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary
permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist
order for the Earthly part.

At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the
officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would
there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
He was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming
that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would
obtain a building permit and that, to conserve energy, he would
turn the light off half the time.

God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness
"night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herbs and bear much
seed." The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting
life; and the fowl that may fly over the Earth." Officials pointed out
this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated
with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the
project in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to
review the application and impact statement. After that there would
be a public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval
period before .....

At that point, God created hell.


The missing dot..........

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a piece
of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing'
one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Navy.


3 blonds

Three blondes (natural) died and found themselves standing
before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the
Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a
big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the
Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast
with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the
Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and
eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a
very large boulder ...

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll
away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow,
we have six more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted.

great

Who is really the Mule?

The mule

A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and
bought a mule from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the mule died."

Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the mule."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead mule?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back that left me with a profit of $898."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.


BIRD WATCHING

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force
pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what
they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes,
the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered
and fly slowly along it at the water's edge.

Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison
watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around
and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction,
like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly
to the penguin colony and over-fly it."

Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over
gently onto their backs.

Earth science answers

Earth science answers
REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite
sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers
is Lyme disease.

We don't have rock salt on Guam because that forms from
from evaporation of oceans and we don't have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because it's too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on
Guam is greyhounds - they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than
the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun,
but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.

todays special

Mud Bath

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical.
After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry
Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which
only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better
in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can
do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start
going down the street to that new health spa and take
a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to
the dirt."


The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"

Patriotism

Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school
teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we
should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the
room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm
not free. I'm four."



Childbirth

It was late at night and Alison, who was expecting her second
child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn.

When Alison started to go into labor, she called "911." Due to
a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to
the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked
Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Alison pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked
the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about
what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place. Spank him again!"

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my
club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The
pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!

hillarious

JOKE 1

A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles
and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a
tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze
a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the
patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer.

This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his
beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the
couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor.

"Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff
for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs
talking to your tape recorder."

JOKE 2

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady
standing beside her.

"Grandma is paying for it," she smiled.


Little Tommy and Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they
took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious
look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little
Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him
down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he
marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is
back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for
sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays
it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With
great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well,
then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says,
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


After-Work Cocktail

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman
entered. She was so striking that the man could not take
his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and
walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20
bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint... my... house."



Oops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

United 727

During taxi, the crew of a US Airways departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727. The irate lady who had the ground controller's
spot at that moment screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned
right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, "You've
screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You
stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded,

"Yes, Ma'am."

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one
wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current
state. Tension in every cockpit at La Guardia was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once, for a month?"


The Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober
him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided
to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his
face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."


ALBERT EINSTEIN's BIRTHDAY

This month is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.
He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the great scientist married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

Einstein stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she
was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted
to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if
there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

The Woman

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very
much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When
I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the
mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,
my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-
like look on my face! What's WRONG with me,
Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there
ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


A Blonde Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end.

"Hi, Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though...""What' s that sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Four Old Ladies

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says,

"You know girls, I have known you all a long time and
there is something I must get off my chest. I am a
Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from
you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true
confessionshere, I must get something off my chest too.
I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit
on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will;
we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something.
I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You
are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to
ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to
make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some
phone calls to make!


Little Johnny

Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to
notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her
lesson.

"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if
you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her
face.

"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that
has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling.
"You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled
Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her de-calfenated!"

JOKE 1

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the
other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets
quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other
says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."

JOKE 2

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was
mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate
and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle
looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."

JOKE 3

Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw,
six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought
it was me coming home drunk."


The Billboard

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed
a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if
I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?"

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look
like her."

An Irate Woman

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and yelled, 'I sent
my daughter in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but
when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest
that you check your scales.'

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and
then replied, ' Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your daughter....'


A Frog in My Throat

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer. The
frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack, can I
help you? "

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He
says, "Okay, what's your name? "

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger. "

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay, do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and
says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "I'm not sure. Let me go check with the
bank manager."

The frog says, "Tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse
me. but there's this frog out here named Kermit Jagger who
wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this
pink elephant. I'm not even sure what it is.

The bank mananger says, "IT'S A NICK-NACK PADDYWACK,
GIVE THE FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN IS A ROLLING STONE."

Tragedy

Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to
a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going
to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and
an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the
street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Bush says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else
try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids
drove off a cliff."

Bush says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone
else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs.
Bush was on a plane and it blew up."

Then Bush says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would
be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident,
and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

jokes

The Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Little Johnny 1

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane
when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?"

The Three Little Pigs

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for
his home.

She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel
barrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have
some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he
said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.

Little Johnny and the Wanted Posters

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"


The 3 Finalists

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Kill that person!"

The man entered the killing room and came right back out. The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to go into the room and kill the person
sitting on the chair.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I
had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are
evil. Don't mess with them

The Pretty Girl

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How
much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little
old lady standing behind her.

"Grandma will pay the bill, "she smiled.


The Old Man

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all
of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give
me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all
over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back
da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and
shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take
your telephone out." He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator
28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I
insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed other-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer
asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not.
I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"
she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special
day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and
replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner the night before the wedding."

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch
at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15
minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd
be eating alone."

High Blood Pressure

A Corporate Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.

The New Preacher

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat
your last point. Often this will help you remember what
should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence
that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten ready for you.
After all, you did tell me three times you were coming!"

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well,
son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was
down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00
pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by
the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"

Patriotism

Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school
teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we
should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the
room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm
not free. I'm four."

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my
club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The
pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!

dec 24

Men

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

Barbie

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday
present. Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get
her so he asks for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should
I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have
the Malibu Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit
and a towel. We have the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which
comes with a tutu and a cassette. We have the Aerobics Barbie
for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and a workout CD. And
we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much
more than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes
with Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


The Kindness of a Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is
about two feet tall."