dec 24

Men

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

Barbie

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday
present. Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get
her so he asks for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should
I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have
the Malibu Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit
and a towel. We have the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which
comes with a tutu and a cassette. We have the Aerobics Barbie
for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and a workout CD. And
we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much
more than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes
with Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


The Kindness of a Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is
about two feet tall."

Funny ones

These jokes are from the resource a day newsletter. to get your own subscribe here. You even get paid for it!!

Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller
one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how
you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was
the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the
leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You
ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get
done shakin' the poop out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left
but lips and a briefcase."


A Blonde Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end.

"Hi, Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though...""What' s that sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Pointing Directions

A shapely Finnish girl was a counselor at a girl's camp
on Wonder Lake. She was at the camp a day early to
get things in order, and when her work was done, she
thought it would be nice to start a sun tan "au natural",
since this was private property. Suddenly, she heard
male voices! She jumped up, stood in a crouch, and
covered her bosom with crossed arms.

Two young men approached her, asking "Which way is
it to the boy's camp on Wonder Lake?" She said, "Oh,
I know you guys, you just want me to point, so you
can see my titties!" "No, no," they said, "we just want
to know what direction we must go, we're lost."

"O.K., she said, straightening up, and standing on her
right leg and lifting her left leg horizontally, she said,
"It's over that way!"

Dreams

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help
me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh
to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back
to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now
these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting
so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day.
Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."

Hang Gliding

Deep in Kentucky, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain,
and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the
edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the
porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when Maw
spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the
size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises
up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house,
brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he
replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Fishing Expedition

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central
Park in New York and was astonished to see an old
man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed
of lilies. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself.
"What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over
a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind
fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are
you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh? Well,
how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the
kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large
glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow,
felt good about helping the old man, and he asked,
"Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this
morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a
careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today,
sir!"