Jokes

These jokes have been taken from the resource-a-day.net newsletters.
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1) Like a Surgeon

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on
the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr.
Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the
garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a
minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud
voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr.
Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out,
grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this
baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the
big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the
same work?"

DeBakey, grinning as he walked away, said softly to
Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

2)Don't Bet on It!

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge
frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went
to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called!'

3)50th Anniversary

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern
Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things
used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,
"Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th
wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?"
another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then
replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson.
Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

4)The Big Game Hunter

So the big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife
AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder
to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to
make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple
camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother
is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him
to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone
far, they hear throaty growling – and soon they come upon a
small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up
against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing
a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got
himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

5)The Honeymoon

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the
place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks
behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the
rug "AHA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets
his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws
them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds "How was your room? How was the
service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of
these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under
you complained about the chandelier falling on them!"

6)The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was
too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own
skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and
on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I
just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.