Nov 4

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The Wedding

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to
the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's
side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time
he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear..."


Drunk

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained,
his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half
empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened
his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes
later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to
reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said
turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the
Pope has it".


Out of the Mouths of Babes

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore,
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened
to him? " the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad
replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God
throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're
one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"


Billy

Pa was going to teach Billy how to pee standing up so he takes
Billy to the outhouse and says.."Now Billy, its very simple. One,
you take out your thing, two you pull back your foreskin, three
you pee, four you push back your foreskin, five you put your
think away.

Now you try it boy, I'm going to milk the cows." After about an
hour, Ma comes running up to Pa and says "Oh Pa, somethings
wrong with Billy!" "What's the matter?" Pa asks. "Well", Ma says,
"he's locked himself in the outhouse and he's been there over
half an hour!"

"Ah Ma", says Pa, "he's probably doing his business." "I don't
think so," says Ma, "he keeps saying 'Two, Four, Two, Four,
Two...'"


Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in? Certainly how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me. Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself
together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge. What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and
don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Get back
in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards. I'll deal
with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me. One at a
time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the
couch and I'll examine you. I can't. I'm not allowed on the
furniture.


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her
sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first anddemanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


Fred's Gone

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the
door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose
Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered
solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided
to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But
sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this
inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

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