Nov 19

The War

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During
one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking
the major to their headquarters, the French general began
to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers
all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes
you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general
that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they
are leading won't panic.

And that is of course why from that day forward all French
Army officers wear brown pants!


Little Johnny

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking
a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were
amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference
between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another
little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys
are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when
you milk them."

The Kindergartens

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed
to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
No baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went
to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'
words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You
must remember to use 'Big People'
words."

She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book
did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed
out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

The Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay
overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get
out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why
not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

The Elderly Gentleman

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will five times already!"

The Honeymoon

On their honeymoon, the pretty bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the
couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard!� Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

The Joggers

A man had been driving all night, and by morning, was still far
from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he
came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or
two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be
on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he
settled back to snooze, when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "Eight fifteen."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again,
and was just dozing off, when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have
the time?"

The man was a little irritated and growled, "It's twenty minutes
past eight!" The jogger thanked the man and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew
it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep.� He was just dozing off,
when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger
said, "Sir, it's eight thirty."


Goodbye Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up
a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'
It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only
purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.