Nov 11

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The Elderly Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for
our wedding gifts, please."

The Golfers

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at
his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly
moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from
this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


The Patrolman

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited
outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five
others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started
to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he
was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his
great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was
dumbfounded!

"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the apparent drunk, "tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy!"


The Collar

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the pre
school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at
him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress
funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform
priests wear.

Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and
asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar
insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to
show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters
giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you
know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks
and fleas up to six months!


Depressed Guy

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders
a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down
and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any
thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months,
I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took
the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch,
I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking,
what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The
man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled,
BAD DOG!!!"

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