jokes

The Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Little Johnny 1

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane
when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?"

The Three Little Pigs

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for
his home.

She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel
barrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have
some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he
said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.

Little Johnny and the Wanted Posters

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"


The 3 Finalists

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Kill that person!"

The man entered the killing room and came right back out. The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to go into the room and kill the person
sitting on the chair.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I
had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are
evil. Don't mess with them

The Pretty Girl

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How
much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little
old lady standing behind her.

"Grandma will pay the bill, "she smiled.


The Old Man

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all
of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give
me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all
over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back
da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and
shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take
your telephone out." He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator
28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I
insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed other-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer
asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not.
I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"
she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special
day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and
replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner the night before the wedding."

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch
at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15
minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd
be eating alone."

High Blood Pressure

A Corporate Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.

The New Preacher

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat
your last point. Often this will help you remember what
should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence
that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten ready for you.
After all, you did tell me three times you were coming!"

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well,
son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was
down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00
pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by
the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"

Patriotism

Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school
teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we
should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the
room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm
not free. I'm four."

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my
club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The
pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!