hillarious

JOKE 1

A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles
and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a
tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze
a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the
patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer.

This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his
beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the
couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor.

"Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff
for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs
talking to your tape recorder."

JOKE 2

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take 10 yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old lady
standing beside her.

"Grandma is paying for it," she smiled.


Little Tommy and Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they
took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious
look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
goes straight to his room & starts studying.

Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little
Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him
down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he
marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is
back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for
sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays
it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With
great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little
Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well,
then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says,
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


After-Work Cocktail

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman
entered. She was so striking that the man could not take
his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and
walked directly towards him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you
want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20
bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint... my... house."



Oops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who
was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain..."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say...,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

United 727

During taxi, the crew of a US Airways departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727. The irate lady who had the ground controller's
spot at that moment screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned
right on 'Delta.' Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, "You've
screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You
stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded,

"Yes, Ma'am."

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one
wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current
state. Tension in every cockpit at La Guardia was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,
"Wasn't I married to you once, for a month?"


The Irishman

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober
him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided
to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his
face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."


ALBERT EINSTEIN's BIRTHDAY

This month is the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.
He was born March 14, 1879.

Few remember that the great scientist married his cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

Einstein stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she
was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted
to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if
there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

The Woman

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very
much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When
I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the
mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up,
my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were
bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-
like look on my face! What's WRONG with me,
Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes,
then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there
ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”


A Blonde Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end.

"Hi, Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though...""What' s that sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


Four Old Ladies

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says,

"You know girls, I have known you all a long time and
there is something I must get off my chest. I am a
Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from
you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true
confessionshere, I must get something off my chest too.
I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit
on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will;
we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something.
I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You
are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to
ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to
make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some
phone calls to make!


Little Johnny

Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to
notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her
lesson.

"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if
you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her
face.

"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that
has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling.
"You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled
Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her de-calfenated!"

JOKE 1

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the
other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets
quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other
says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."

JOKE 2

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was
mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate
and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle
looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied
"I don't know, it all happened so fast."

JOKE 3

Get this," said the bloke to his mates. "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw,
six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought
it was me coming home drunk."


The Billboard

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed
a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if
I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?"

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look
like her."

An Irate Woman

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and yelled, 'I sent
my daughter in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but
when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest
that you check your scales.'

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and
then replied, ' Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your daughter....'


A Frog in My Throat

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the loan officer. The
frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"

The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack, can I
help you? "

The frog says, "Yeah, I'd like to borrow some money."

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He
says, "Okay, what's your name? "

The frog says, "Kermit Jagger. "

The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."

The loan officer says, "Okay, do you have any collateral?"

The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and
says, "Will this do?"

The loan officer says, "I'm not sure. Let me go check with the
bank manager."

The frog says, "Tell him I said hi. He knows me."

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse
me. but there's this frog out here named Kermit Jagger who
wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this
pink elephant. I'm not even sure what it is.

The bank mananger says, "IT'S A NICK-NACK PADDYWACK,
GIVE THE FROG A LOAN, HIS OLD MAN IS A ROLLING STONE."

Tragedy

Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to
a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going
to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and
an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the
street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Bush says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else
try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids
drove off a cliff."

Bush says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone
else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs.
Bush was on a plane and it blew up."

Then Bush says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would
be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident,
and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."