dec 24

Men

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

Barbie

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday
present. Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get
her so he asks for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should
I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have
the Malibu Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit
and a towel. We have the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which
comes with a tutu and a cassette. We have the Aerobics Barbie
for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and a workout CD. And
we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much
more than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes
with Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


The Kindness of a Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is
about two feet tall."

Funny ones

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Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller
one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how
you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was
the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the
leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You
ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get
done shakin' the poop out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left
but lips and a briefcase."


A Blonde Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end.

"Hi, Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though...""What' s that sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Pointing Directions

A shapely Finnish girl was a counselor at a girl's camp
on Wonder Lake. She was at the camp a day early to
get things in order, and when her work was done, she
thought it would be nice to start a sun tan "au natural",
since this was private property. Suddenly, she heard
male voices! She jumped up, stood in a crouch, and
covered her bosom with crossed arms.

Two young men approached her, asking "Which way is
it to the boy's camp on Wonder Lake?" She said, "Oh,
I know you guys, you just want me to point, so you
can see my titties!" "No, no," they said, "we just want
to know what direction we must go, we're lost."

"O.K., she said, straightening up, and standing on her
right leg and lifting her left leg horizontally, she said,
"It's over that way!"

Dreams

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help
me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh
to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back
to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now
these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting
so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day.
Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."

Hang Gliding

Deep in Kentucky, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain,
and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the
edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the
porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when Maw
spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the
size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises
up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house,
brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he
replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Fishing Expedition

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central
Park in New York and was astonished to see an old
man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed
of lilies. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself.
"What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over
a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind
fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are
you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh? Well,
how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the
kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large
glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow,
felt good about helping the old man, and he asked,
"Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this
morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a
careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today,
sir!"

Funny

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Snoring

The high school coaches in St. Landry Parish Louisiana went to
a coaches retreat. To save money they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with coach Boudreaux because he
snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem
stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next
morning hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what
happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all
night."

Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!"

He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him
all night."

Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all."

They can't believe! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux
into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night."

I Descend Into Hell

A college drama group presented a play in which
one character would stand on a trap door and
announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open,
and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received. When the actor playing
the part became ill, another actor who was quite
overweight took his place. When the new actor
announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge,
but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging
on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!".

Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Riddles II

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

The Gynecologist

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took
one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the
window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am
doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might
indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing
now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting gonorrhea: which is why I came
here In the first place."

Sarah and the Final Exam

Sarah reported for her university final examination
which consistsn of "yes/no" type questions. She takes
her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing
the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads
and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of
the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes,
she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what
is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm
rechecking the answers".

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the
local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.
We never have any fun anymore.

For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old
lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!

The Confession

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young
girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and
made her way to New York where before long, she became
a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on
a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she
had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father
Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he
wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be
happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She
stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Suliivan, she went into a series of cartwheels,leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional,waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with
wide eyes and one said to the other. "Will you just look at
the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me
without me bloomers on!"

Nov 19

The War

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During
one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking
the major to their headquarters, the French general began
to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers
all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes
you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general
that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they
are leading won't panic.

And that is of course why from that day forward all French
Army officers wear brown pants!


Little Johnny

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking
a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were
amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference
between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another
little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys
are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when
you milk them."

The Kindergartens

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed
to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
No baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went
to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'
words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You
must remember to use 'Big People'
words."

She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book
did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed
out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

The Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay
overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get
out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why
not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

The Elderly Gentleman

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will five times already!"

The Honeymoon

On their honeymoon, the pretty bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the
couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard!� Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

The Joggers

A man had been driving all night, and by morning, was still far
from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he
came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or
two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be
on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he
settled back to snooze, when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "Eight fifteen."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again,
and was just dozing off, when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have
the time?"

The man was a little irritated and growled, "It's twenty minutes
past eight!" The jogger thanked the man and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew
it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep.� He was just dozing off,
when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger
said, "Sir, it's eight thirty."


Goodbye Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up
a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'
It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only
purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Nov 11

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The Elderly Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for
our wedding gifts, please."

The Golfers

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at
his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly
moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from
this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


The Patrolman

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited
outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five
others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started
to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he
was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his
great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was
dumbfounded!

"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the apparent drunk, "tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy!"


The Collar

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the pre
school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at
him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress
funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform
priests wear.

Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and
asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar
insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to
show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters
giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you
know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks
and fleas up to six months!


Depressed Guy

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders
a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down
and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any
thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months,
I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took
the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch,
I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking,
what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The
man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled,
BAD DOG!!!"

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Nov 4

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The Wedding

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to
the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's
side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time
he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear..."


Drunk

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained,
his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half
empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened
his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes
later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to
reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said
turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the
Pope has it".


Out of the Mouths of Babes

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore,
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened
to him? " the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad
replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God
throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're
one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"


Billy

Pa was going to teach Billy how to pee standing up so he takes
Billy to the outhouse and says.."Now Billy, its very simple. One,
you take out your thing, two you pull back your foreskin, three
you pee, four you push back your foreskin, five you put your
think away.

Now you try it boy, I'm going to milk the cows." After about an
hour, Ma comes running up to Pa and says "Oh Pa, somethings
wrong with Billy!" "What's the matter?" Pa asks. "Well", Ma says,
"he's locked himself in the outhouse and he's been there over
half an hour!"

"Ah Ma", says Pa, "he's probably doing his business." "I don't
think so," says Ma, "he keeps saying 'Two, Four, Two, Four,
Two...'"


Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in? Certainly how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me. Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself
together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge. What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and
don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Get back
in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards. I'll deal
with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me. One at a
time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the
couch and I'll examine you. I can't. I'm not allowed on the
furniture.


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her
sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first anddemanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


Fred's Gone

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the
door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose
Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered
solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided
to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But
sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this
inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

More links

Jokes

These jokes have been taken from the resource-a-day.net newsletters.
to get you own news letters, register here

1) Like a Surgeon

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on
the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr.
Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side,
waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the
garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come over here a
minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud
voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr.
Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out,
grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this
baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the
big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the
same work?"

DeBakey, grinning as he walked away, said softly to
Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

2)Don't Bet on It!

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge
frying pan.

He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went
to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called!'

3)50th Anniversary

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern
Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things
used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses.
One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked,
"Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th
wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?"
another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then
replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson.
Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

4)The Big Game Hunter

So the big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife
AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder
to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to
make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple
camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother
is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him
to institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone
far, they hear throaty growling – and soon they come upon a
small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up
against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing
a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing whatever," responds her husband. "The lion got
himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

5)The Honeymoon

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the
place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks
behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the
rug "AHA!"

Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets
his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws
them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds "How was your room? How was the
service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of
these questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the room under
you complained about the chandelier falling on them!"

6)The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's
face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that
they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was
too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own
skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at
the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and
on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I
just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every
time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.