jokes

The Psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with
four young mothers and their small children... "You all have
obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your
daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Little Johnny 1

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane
when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,
and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear
power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?"

The Three Little Pigs

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for
his home.

She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheel
barrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have
some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that
man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!, he
said...'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach for the next 10 minutes.

Little Johnny and the Wanted Posters

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board,
of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to
capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"


The 3 Finalists

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Kill that person!"

The man entered the killing room and came right back out. The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to go into the room and kill the person
sitting on the chair.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I
had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are
evil. Don't mess with them

The Pretty Girl

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How
much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little
old lady standing behind her.

"Grandma will pay the bill, "she smiled.


The Old Man

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all
of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give
me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all
over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back
da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and
shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big,
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take
your telephone out." He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago.
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the
telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"
He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator
28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I
insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in
you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could
dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would
be the best dressed other-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer
asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not.
I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"
she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special
day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another
gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't
you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and
replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal
dinner the night before the wedding."

Lunch

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes
the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch
at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15
minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd
be eating alone."

High Blood Pressure

A Corporate Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.

The New Preacher

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat
your last point. Often this will help you remember what
should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence
that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten ready for you.
After all, you did tell me three times you were coming!"

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well,
son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was
down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00
pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by
the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

The Tooth Fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"

Patriotism

Remembrance Day was coming up, and the nursery school
teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we
should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the
room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . . "I'm
not free. I'm four."

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?" The pigmy said, "I killed it with my
club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?" The
pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!

dec 24

Men

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again"
might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a
man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry
you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they
leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because
they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.
Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's
why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.

Barbie

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday
present. Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get
her so he asks for some assistance from a clerk.

"I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should
I get?"

"Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have
the Malibu Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit
and a towel. We have the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which
comes with a tutu and a cassette. We have the Aerobics Barbie
for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and a workout CD. And
we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much
more than the others?"

"Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes
with Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


The Kindness of a Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the
poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking
all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is
about two feet tall."

Funny ones

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Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller
one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how
you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was
the same size as kids...I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that
law firm."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the
leg, shake the poop out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You
ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get
done shakin' the poop out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left
but lips and a briefcase."


A Blonde Joke

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife,
Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her
the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie
was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her
new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her
phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband
on the other end.

"Hi, Susie,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice
is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand
though...""What' s that sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Pointing Directions

A shapely Finnish girl was a counselor at a girl's camp
on Wonder Lake. She was at the camp a day early to
get things in order, and when her work was done, she
thought it would be nice to start a sun tan "au natural",
since this was private property. Suddenly, she heard
male voices! She jumped up, stood in a crouch, and
covered her bosom with crossed arms.

Two young men approached her, asking "Which way is
it to the boy's camp on Wonder Lake?" She said, "Oh,
I know you guys, you just want me to point, so you
can see my titties!" "No, no," they said, "we just want
to know what direction we must go, we're lost."

"O.K., she said, straightening up, and standing on her
right leg and lifting her left leg horizontally, she said,
"It's over that way!"

Dreams

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help
me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh
to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back
to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now
these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting
so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day.
Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."

Hang Gliding

Deep in Kentucky, you don't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain,
and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to
take flight. He takes off running and reaches the
edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the
porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when Maw
spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the
size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises
up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house,
brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim.
BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster size
bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he
replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Fishing Expedition

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central
Park in New York and was astonished to see an old
man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed
of lilies. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself.
"What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over
a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind
fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are
you doing, my friend?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh? Well,
how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the
kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large
glass of beer and a fine cigar. His host, the kind fellow,
felt good about helping the old man, and he asked,
"Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this
morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a
careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth today,
sir!"

Funny

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Snoring

The high school coaches in St. Landry Parish Louisiana went to
a coaches retreat. To save money they had to room together.
No one wanted to room with coach Boudreaux because he
snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem
stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next
morning hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what
happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all
night."

Next night coach Guidrys turn. In the morning, same thing -
hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!"

He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him
all night."

Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to
breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all."

They can't believe! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux
into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night."

I Descend Into Hell

A college drama group presented a play in which
one character would stand on a trap door and
announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open,
and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received. When the actor playing
the part became ill, another actor who was quite
overweight took his place. When the new actor
announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge,
but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging
on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!".

Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Riddles II

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

The Gynecologist

A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took
one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the
window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am
doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might
indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing
now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting gonorrhea: which is why I came
here In the first place."

Sarah and the Final Exam

Sarah reported for her university final examination
which consistsn of "yes/no" type questions. She takes
her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing
the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads
and "No" for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of
the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes,
she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what
is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm
rechecking the answers".

Two Little Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the
local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.
We never have any fun anymore.

For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her
clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old
lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!

The Confession

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young
girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and
made her way to New York where before long, she became
a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on
a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she
had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father
Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he
wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be
happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She
stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Suliivan, she went into a series of cartwheels,leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional,waiting their turn, were two
middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with
wide eyes and one said to the other. "Will you just look at
the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me
without me bloomers on!"

Nov 19

The War

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During
one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking
the major to their headquarters, the French general began
to question him.

The French general asked, "Why do you English officers
all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes
you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general
that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they
are leading won't panic.

And that is of course why from that day forward all French
Army officers wear brown pants!


Little Johnny

One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking
a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were
amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference
between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another
little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys
are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny,
"Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when
you milk them."

The Kindergartens

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed
to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on
No baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was
always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went
to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People'
words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a
choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You
must remember to use 'Big People'
words."

She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he
replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book
did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed
out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

The Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess.
The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay
overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for
the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.
He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her
up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get
out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why
not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

The Elderly Gentleman

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed
the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed
my will five times already!"

The Honeymoon

On their honeymoon, the pretty bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to
find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the
couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make
love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing
I have ever heard!� Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

The Joggers

A man had been driving all night, and by morning, was still far
from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he
came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or
two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be
on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he
settled back to snooze, when there came a knocking on his
window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "Eight fifteen."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again,
and was just dozing off, when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have
the time?"

The man was a little irritated and growled, "It's twenty minutes
past eight!" The jogger thanked the man and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew
it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep.� He was just dozing off,
when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger
said, "Sir, it's eight thirty."


Goodbye Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up
a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like
my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I
can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'
It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Good bye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only
purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Nov 11

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The Elderly Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The
works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for
our wedding gifts, please."

The Golfers

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at
his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up
another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly
moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be
worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from
this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."


The Patrolman

During the big DUI Dragnet, a Highway Patrolman waited
outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential
quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five
others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started
to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he
was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away.

The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalizer test, and to his
great surprise the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was
dumbfounded!

"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the apparent drunk, "tonight I'm the
Designated Decoy!"


The Collar

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the pre
school wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria.

One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at
him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress
funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform
priests wear.

Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and
asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar
insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to
show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters
giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you
know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks
and fleas up to six months!


Depressed Guy

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders
a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down
and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any
thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months,
I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took
the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch,
I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking,
what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"The
man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled,
BAD DOG!!!"

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Nov 4

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The Wedding

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to
the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's
side).

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from
laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The
little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time
he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear..."


Drunk

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.
He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained,
his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half
empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened
his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes
later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to
reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said
turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the
Pope has it".


Out of the Mouths of Babes

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28
and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old
son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore,
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened
to him? " the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad
replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God
throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I
grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you,"
the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're
one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"


Billy

Pa was going to teach Billy how to pee standing up so he takes
Billy to the outhouse and says.."Now Billy, its very simple. One,
you take out your thing, two you pull back your foreskin, three
you pee, four you push back your foreskin, five you put your
think away.

Now you try it boy, I'm going to milk the cows." After about an
hour, Ma comes running up to Pa and says "Oh Pa, somethings
wrong with Billy!" "What's the matter?" Pa asks. "Well", Ma says,
"he's locked himself in the outhouse and he's been there over
half an hour!"

"Ah Ma", says Pa, "he's probably doing his business." "I don't
think so," says Ma, "he keeps saying 'Two, Four, Two, Four,
Two...'"


Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that? My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.

Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in? Certainly how about a paper bag?

Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me. Next, please!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. Pull yourself
together!

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge. What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit there and
don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball. Get back
in the queue.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards. I'll deal
with you later.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me. One at a
time, please.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog. Lie down on the
couch and I'll examine you. I can't. I'm not allowed on the
furniture.


Doctor's Visit

A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one
of the new doctors.

But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her
sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first anddemanded,
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren,
and you told her she was PREGNANT??

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"


Fred's Gone

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the
door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose
Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered
solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided
to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But
sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this
inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

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